Bad Reviews Part 3: How To Write Them

Okay, I admit, this is slightly different from the previous two posts in this series as it's not so much about how to write a review of a book you didn't like, but about how to write a bad book review.
  1. Start by outlining the plot of the book. Be sure to include all the spoilers and plot twists you can, including what happens in the end. Make sure this summary of the action comprises about 90% of your review. You could even include the descriptive blurb from the back of the book if you like, just in case readers of your review haven't already looked at that.
  2. Explain at length what books you like reading and who your favourite authors are, and what genres most interest you and why. 
  3. If you didn't like the book, be sure to explain that you didn't like it because it's not a genre you like to read and you only picked it up because it was free/a present/you liked the cover.
  4. If the book goes against your political views, religious or cultural beliefs in any way, then it is a Bad Book and should only get one star.
  5. Conversely if you know the author, or your best friend's cousin's daughter's roommate knows the author, then you are duty bound to give it five stars.
  6. Remember that you don't have to read the whole book to review it, just the free ebook sample. Obviously no book ever got better after the first three chapters.
  7. Try not to mention things like writing style, plot complexity, character construction or voice because readers of reviews (and books) really don't understand or care about that stuff.
  8. If it has done very well and made the author very rich (richer than you) then it's fine to be really critical and horrible about the book (even if you secretly quite liked it) so that the author doesn't get too big headed. Remember, the more successful they are, the fewer feelings they have to be hurt by bad reviews.
  9. Don't worry about grammar, spelling and punctuation in your review. Good spelling and grammar is the author's job, not yours.
  10. You might like to use "texttalk" like, "If u r thinking of buying this book 4 sum1..." because there's a limit on how much space you have for your review.
  11. If you didn't like the book don't worry about giving reasons why not or explaining which parts were weak. After all, it's just a matter of taste, isn't it? It's not as though it would help the author because he's probably never going to write another book anyway.

Comments

  1. And don't forget to complain about how long it took to get the book from Amazon and what condition it arrived in - because that has to be the author's fault.

    ReplyDelete

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